my general outlook on life is a lot more worrisome now
that i have realized i’ve perfected how to maintain a balance
of not caring at all about how others perceive me
and caring so much that it is all but crippling
when you told me you haven’t stopped thinking about me
since we ran into each other in the doorway of the kitchen
i told you i was smiling through the phone and i was telling the truth
when i told you i predicted we could be very comfortable together
for a very long time i was still telling the truth
everything inside my mouth seems very intentional now
humans don’t deserve to feel happy or safe
but i am open to trying at it for you
the older i get, the less real the world seems
we all cycle through the same four personal emotions
for our entire lives because we refuse to admit
that sometimes we make the wrong decisions
i’ve given up on the idea that i will be in charge
of a lot of money one day and so should you.
sometimes it is physically painful to remember
that i won’t be able to fall asleep tonight unmedicated.
when will we all admit that we prefer falling asleep
with another sleeping face in front of our own.
my earliest memories involve watching boys kill a frog
using chopsticks and a brick in south korea.
my earliest memories involve tadpoles
that didn’t know what was waiting for them.
do we ever become not killers.
will my temperature ever be the same on all surfaces of my body.
will anyone ever trust me if i can’t stop talking over them.
motion to avoid making important decisions for the rest of my life.
can a human learn to not be human for only a little bit.
new york is too big if it takes 8 hours for me to travel from here to you.
the world is full of babies but i am not.
i am taking small but emotionally substantial steps
to increase my personal capacity for being a vengeful bitch
and it’s true that this wasn’t the case before.
i wasn’t a vengeful bitch and also i wasn’t trying as hard.
everything is very easy now. everything is a math problem to me.
every obstacle can be calculated, divided and saved for later.
any dilemma can be zeroed out and any conflict can be
stretched towards infinity if that’s how i want to play this game.
i was not very nice to you the in the cold wind warm weather last night,
we ate six tacos against a brick wall and everything was too hot.
i can try harder i guess but you could try a little less.
stop yelling. i’m tired. everyone else is louder. what do you want now.
i’m scared. sometimes i just don’t open my eyes. man up, jerk.
i’m collecting ex-human trophies but isn’t that the point of anyone who feels.
you shook your head like a word desperately clinging to the tip of your tongue.
you coughed into your shoulder like a million years.
you reached for my hand like kidding yourself.
you finished lunch like never alone.
you looked at my hips like swearing under your breath.
you made a sound like waking up.
i am taking sabbatical from my life in new york
and then i am taking sabbatical from my life after that.
i have never met a person who feels comfortable while standing.
i remember one morning waking up on mitch’s floor
and lucy turned to him from across the room and said,
‘how are you so happy, how do you do it?’ and he just smiled
and kept eating his bowl of cereal and lucy turned to me
and said, ‘isn’t it great that he can, though.’
every current version of me is a terrified version of a younger me.
every current version of you is a more tired version of a smaller you.
every morning i wake up and try to remember two nights ago
at 7 p.m., the heaviest parts of my body, where i hid my rings
before i fell asleep, how am i supposed to smell today.
every morning i wake up and we are together anyway.